Season 17 of The Bachelorette premiered last night and it’s Katie’s turn! The no-nonsense, truth-talking, sex-positive, regular vibrating-dildo user finally began her long-awaited quest for love and marriage.
We know it’s tradition to call *this* premiere the most *dramatic* in Bachelorette history (mark your Bingo cards!), but we were not prepared for the first-night antics starting at the limousine introductions. There was Cat Dude. Box Dude. Blow-up Doll Dude (ugh). Balls-in-a-Truck Dude. Canadian Dude (*hums Hockey Night In Canada theme*). Surgical-Skin-Salesman-in-an-RV Dude (*shudders*). And lots and lots o’ sexual innuendo and double entendre jokes.
Basically, the premiere had a lot but one thing it did not was Chris Harrison, and TBH it was kind of... better that way?
"I'm happy where I'm at now," Katie said direct to camera off the top of the premiere. "I've learned a lot about myself and I'm not going to settle." This is also when she dropped some of her quintessential humour, kicking a tumbleweed and quipping, “No dry bushes here!” We. Love. Her.
Ever since Katie took on the bullies and mean girls during Matt James’ Bachelor season earlier this year, and was ostracized in the house for it, we have so been wanting her to have her own girl gang. With long-time host Chris Harrison out of the picture for the foreseeable future, Katie thought she’d have to go through her season alone without any host assistance.
But then, emerging from the not-dry bushes came former Bachelorette’s Tayshia Adams and Kaitlyn Bristowe, tiptoeing without their heels to sneak up on an unsuspecting, nervous Katie.
Right away we got mega-girl-gang vibes of uplifting one another, being real, and embracing individuality. We just love that Tayshia and Kaitlyn were gushing over Katie’s dress, and later as the men arrived, banging on the window with excitement, encouraging her with thumbs up.
At one point, as Tayshia and Kaitlyn spied from the window of the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa, popcorn was served
But perhaps our favourite girl gang moment occurred when Katie reacted to the sexiness of a contestant arrival named Quartney in tried-and-true Katie fashion. T & K were here for it.
This is not your mother’s Bachelorette, ladies! And this iconic moment wouldn’t have happened between Katie and Chris Harrison. Draw your own conclusions!
As the 30 men vying for Katie’s heart began to arrive, we remembered just how far these lovelorn men will go just to get a rose. The men were constantly trying to one-up each other with wacky costumes, weird props, bad accents, worse jokes, or noteworthy cars just to get Katie’s attention. But Twitter had a field day with some of the men’s questionable choices.
At first, the gimmicks were tame, like Kyle who ripped his own drawers off, or Hunter who brought a random fish because he's "a catch," or Gabriel who decided he wanted to hold her into a bear hug while practicing breathing (oh-kayyyy?). But as the night wore on, the gimmicks became rather curious.
There was Jeff, the “Surgical Skin Salesman” (we don’t know what that means either) who drove up in his musty old RV.
Then there was Cody who brought his blowup doll to the cocktail party.
Then there was James, who spent most of the evening inside of a giant wrapped box. No hug, no staring into each other’s eyes, no drinking a cocktail, no glad-handing the other men. Dude spent the night in a box.
Then there was Toronto’s finest, Canadian boy Brendan, a former hockey player (the stereotype is true, ya’ll) who wants to be a firefighter. He sent hearts aflutter amongst Bachelor Nation, especially when he got Katie and all the boys playing a game of hockey! We’re rooting for you, budd’eh!
But then there came Greg, a nervous ball of energy who is just 27 years old and, according to Katie, looks just like her ex-boyfriend. That didn’t stop Greg from earning the coveted First Impression rose by gifting her with a pasta necklace his niece made, and winning all of our hearts with his genuine earnestness and sincerity.
Of course there are already rumours online that Greg isn’t “there for the right reasons” (mark your Bingo cards!), so we shall have to see how that love story plays out.
At the cocktail party, there was a lot of smooching and sexy jokes floating about. Katie got into Tre’s truck full of balls (*insert joke here*), but some men had to go home at the rose ceremony (goodbye Surgical Skin Salesman!).
Now the fun begins, and as the season preview rolled, Bachelor Nation was none too pleased to find out we have another contestant who is a virgin that the producers are going to exploit for drama.
We also will have a return of Hamilton, Ontario’s favourite-or-least-favourite jawline, Blake from Tayshia’s season, who believes Katie is “the one.” Considering Tayshia is like, right there (awkward), this might prove interesting, but we definitely could use more Canada on this series.
Too many men to root for! Ahh, this is gonna be a good season.
[video_embed id='2217205']BEFORE YOU GO: Watch Courteney Cox's ‘Tony Danza’ tribute to Lisa Kudrow [/video_embed]