Robert Pattinson making fast-food pasta is peak quarantine
Break out the cheese slices and aluminum foil.
May 13, 2020 10:51 a.m. EST
May 14, 2020 3:45 p.m. EST
The demonstration was so surreal that even writer Zach Baron questioned whether it was real, or if it was some form of installation art. "I think parts of it are real and parts of it can’t be real," he wrote. But basically, after opening up about how bad microwave pasta is (“It’s really actually quite revolting. But I mean, who would have thought that it actually makes it taste disgusting?”) Pattinson turned to the idea of fast-food pasta. “What if pasta really had the same kind of fast-food credentials as burgers and pizzas?,” he said. “I was trying to figure out how to capitalize in this area of the market, and I was trying to think: How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?”[video_embed id='-1']RELATED: Willem Dafoe endorses Robert Pattinson as Batman[/video_embed]According to the 34-year-old, he broke out a panini press and tried to sell a version of the idea to a potential restauranteur in Los Angeles, but that was a no-go. So he decided the best course of action was to recreate his kitchen magic for the interview. Because if he mentioned it in GQ, “maybe, like, a partner will just come along.”So he did what any good corner-store shopper would do and he pulled out all of his ingredients to make Piccolini Cuscino, aka Little Pillow: nine cheese slices, a box of corn flakes (they were out of bread crumbs), and sauce. Any kind of sauce, according to him. In this case it was red. He also whipped out a large novelty lighter, which the star said was to do a little “flambé.” Pattinson then proceeded to give the best at-home cooking demonstration ever witnessed by mankind. Actually, maybe that should be the most dangerous.“He puts on latex gloves. He pulls out some sugar and some aluminum foil and makes a bed, a kind of hollowed-out sphere, with the foil. He holds up a box of penne pasta that he had in the house. ‘All right,’ Pattinson says. ‘So obviously, first things first, you gotta microwave the pasta,’” wrote Baron. “I watch as he pours dry penne into a cereal bowl, covers it with water, and places it in the microwave for eight minutes. He says using penne is already new territory for him.”According to the article Pattinson then microwaved the pasta for eight minutes while dumping sugar on top of the foil. “I found after a lot of experimentation that you really need to congeal everything in an enormous amount of sugar and cheese,” he said, creating layer-on-layer of sugar and cheese slices.
“Then he realizes that he’s forgotten the outer layer, which is supposed to be breadcrumbs but today will be crushed-up cornflakes, and so he lifts the pile of cheese and sugar and crumbles some cornflakes onto the aluminum foil before placing the sugar-cheese back on top of it,” Baron continued. “Then he adds sauce, which is red. The microwave dings, and Pattinson promptly burns himself on the bowl of pasta. He sighs, heavily, looking at it. ‘No idea if it’s cooked or not.’ He dumps the pasta in anyway. At this point, his spirits have visibly begun to flag. ‘I mean, there’s absolutely no chance this is gonna work. Absolutely none.’”More sugar and half a hollowed out hamburger bun later, and Pattinson moved onto his lighter artwork, burning a “P” and a “C” onto the top of the bun. According to Baron, it all looked very much like Pattinson was cooking meth. Then, as if the entire demonstration weren’t already bizarre enough, Pattinson accidentally burnt one of his latex gloves and it melted onto his palm. And that’s not even the worst part.After wrapping his “pillow” into more aluminum foil, Pattinson then checked with Baron that it’s okay to put aluminum foil into the oven. “I say yes, you can, but what you absolutely cannot do is put foil in a microwave. And he says cool, cool, and then he goes looking for his oven, which he’s never used before, and this is a nice house, so there are multiple options, and the one he settles on, well: It looks like another microwave to me. He assures me it is not,” Baron wrote.“He puts the aluminum sphere, the little pillow, into what he thinks is an oven and I think is a microwave. He attempts to turn it on. ‘I actually knew how to do this before,’ he tells me. ‘I literally did this yesterday. And now it’s just impossible. It’s going to look like I can’t cook at all,’” Baron continued. “He fumbles at some more buttons. ‘Oh, oh, oh,’ he says, excitedly now. ‘A thousand watts, there you go.’ Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.”It’s probably safe to say that no one is going to be attending a dinner party at the Pattinsons anytime soon, right? Or maybe they will be just to see what kind of comedy goes down? Either way the entire experiment ended with Pattinson deciding to leave the pasta in the microwave and move onto other ventures. “Yeah, I think I have to leave that alone,” he said, getting up off the floor. “But that is a Piccolini Cuscino.”We can practically hear the investors lining up already. In the meantime, maybe it’s just safer for everyone if Batman sticks to ordering pizza? After all, you can’t really beat peak quarantine pasta.[video_embed id='-1']BEFORE YOU GO: Big dog gives some attitude to owner for not sharing food[/video_embed]
