Chrissy Teigen opens up about pregnancy loss in powerful new essay

Warning: the following may be triggering for some readers as it discusses pregnancy loss, medical procedures and trauma.Chrissy Teigen is ready to talk about the devastating miscarriage she suffered at 20 weeks pregnant, and in true form, she isn’t holding back. The model and cookbook author shared a powerful post detailing having to deliver her baby knowing he wouldn’t survive, and why she chose to publicly document the heartbreaking experience.“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos,” Teigen shared in response to some of the criticism she has faced for taking and sharing pictures. “How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”

 

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I didn’t know how to come back to real life so I wrote this piece for Medium with hopes that I can somehow move on but as soon as I posted it, tears flew out because it felt so....final. I don’t want to ever not remember jack. . . Thank you to everyone who has been so kind. Thank you to the incredible doctors who tried so hard to make our third life a reality. Thank you to my friends and family and our entire household for taking care of me through all the adult diaper changes, bed rest and random hugs. Thank you John for being my best friend and love of my life. A lot of people think of the woman in times like this but I will never forget that john also suffered through these past months, while doing everything he could to take care of me. I am surrounded, in a human therapy blanket of love. I am grateful and healing and feel so incredibly lucky to witness such love.

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Oct 27, 2020 at 2:01pm PDT

Teigen revealed that she asked husband John Legend and her mother to take the photographs, because she needed to remember the moment forever in the same way she needed to remember her happy tears of joy after her first two pregnancies with Luna and Miles. “I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time,” she wrote.In the essay, Teigen also thanked everyone for reaching out following the news. In addition to thanking the kindness of strangers—the lady at the grocery store who quietly put flowers in her cart, or those who came up to her with a handwritten note—Teigen wanted her supporters to know that she has read each and every message sent her way. “Some of the best letters started with, ‘You don’t have to respond to this, but…’. After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness,” she continued. “Many shared incredible personal experiences, some shared books and poems. I wanted to thank everyone, share our story with each individual person. But I knew I was in no state to. For me, the ‘no need to respond’ note was such a true relief. I thank you for each and every one of those.”Teigen also goes in depth about what happened that awful day she was induced, explaining that her doctors had diagnosed her with partial placenta abruption. Although medics had been monitoring the pregnancy for a while, the bleeding had gotten to the point where the baby would no longer survive in her womb because her fluids had gotten so low. And at that point, Teigen’s own life was in jeopardy. “We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all,” she recalled. “Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again.”The 34-year-old explained she felt it was important to share and document this grief-filled experience with fans because she had also shared the joy-filled moments in such a public way. She also hates knowing that the kindness that has been extended to her won’t necessarily be extended to other women who suffer through a miscarriage, especially considering how little it’s talked about. “I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all,” she added.This past August, Teigen and Legend announced they were expecting their third child in Legend’s music video for “Wild.” Then, in October, they shared the news that they had lost the baby—a boy named Jack—in an emotional Instagram post. While the pair have mostly kept to themselves ever since in order to grieve as a family, Legend dedicated a powerful performance at the Billboard Awards to his wife and followed that up with an emotional letter that he shared with fans.“Thank you to everyone who has been sending us prayers and well wishes, flowers, cards, words of comfort and empathy. We feel and appreciate your love and support more than you know,” Legend wrote at the time. “More than anything, we’ve heard so many stories about how so many other families have experienced this pain, often suffering in silence. It’s a club no one wants to be a part of, but it’s comforting to know we’re not alone. I’m sure Chrissy will have much more to say about this when she’s ready. But just know we’re grateful and we’re sending love to all of you and your families.”[video_embed id='2056943']RELATED: John Legend shares an emotional tribute to Chrissy Teigen[/video_embed]