Elliot Page's first chapter from his new memoir details his early romantic experiences

‘Pageboy’ reveals Elliot’s first experience at a gay bar and his first meaningful kiss with a woman
May 30, 2023 10:51 a.m. EST
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Actor Elliot Page is opening up about his journey to feel comfortable as a queer person and eventually transition. The Juno and The Umbrella Academy star has written his memoir, “Pageboy,” and it hits the shelves on June 6.

 

His first chapter has been published in People, and it details his very first experiences in a queer bar, and also his first meaningful kiss with a woman, where he describes that she reciprocated his feelings after years of missed connections with other women.

 

 

In the first chapter published in the outlet, Page reflects on visiting a queer bar called Reflections, where a woman named Paula and him danced together and he felt comfortable around her in a way he’d never allowed himself to feel before.

 

He recalls in the first chapter asking Paula, “‘Can I kiss you?’” and then reflects, he was “ jolted by my boldness, as if it came from somewhere else, powered by the electronic music perhaps, a circuit of release, of demanding you leave your repression at the door. And then I did. In a queer bar. In front of everyone around us.”

 

“I was coming to understand what all those poems were about, what all the fuss was,” he continues. “Everything was cold before, motionless, emotionless. Any woman I had loved hadn’t loved me back, and the one who maybe had, loved me the wrong way. But here I was, on a dance floor with a woman who wanted to kiss me and the antagonizing, cruel voice that flooded my head whenever I felt desire was silent. Maybe for a second, I could allow myself pleasure.”


He adds, “We leaned in so our lips brushed, the tips of our tongues barely touching, testing, sending shocks through my limbs. We stared at each other, a quiet knowing. Here I was on the precipice. Getting closer to my desires, my dreams, me, without the unbearable weight of the self-disgust I’d carried for so long. But a lot can change in a few months. And in a few months, Juno would premiere.”

 

 

He writes that being in Reflections, “was new for me, being in a queer space and being present, enjoying it.”

 

He also explores how that experience presented more firsts, as the Canadian star had grown up in a culture that tried to instill in him that his feelings were wrong. “Shame had been drilled into my bones since I was my tiniest self, and I struggled to rid my body of that old toxic and erosive marrow. But there was a joy in the room, it lifted me, forced a reaction in the jaw, an uncontrolled, steady smile.”

 

Speaking with People,  Page explains that releasing this memoir into the world at a time when trans rights are under fire in many countries around the world, including the United States where many states have criminalized gender affirming care, makes him nervous.

 

 “Slightly overwhelmed!” he tells the outlet about the book launch. “But grateful.”

 

“I didn't think I could write a book,” he continues. “Books, particularly memoirs, have really shifted my life, offered me inspiration, comfort, been humbling, all of those things. And I think this period of not just hate, of course, but misinformation or just blatant lies about LGTBQ+ lives, about our healthcare, it felt like the right time. Trans and queer stories are so often picked apart, or worse, universalized. So the first chapter of Pageboy, I just sat down, and it came out and I just didn't stop. I just kept writing.”

 

 

The Inception star is also acutely aware of his privilege in the trans community because of his high profile. “My experience as a trans person and this life I have, and the privilege I have does not represent the reality of most trans lives.” 

 

But when it comes to visibility and raising awareness, Page says: “I think it's crucial, I think we need to feel represented and see ourselves, you know, that's not something I had like as a kid. The reality is, trans people disproportionately are unemployed, disproportionately experience homelessness. Trans women of colour are being murdered. People are losing their healthcare or couldn't access it.”

 

Despite that privilege, Page also notes that at many points during his journey, he wasn’t sure he would see the light at the end of the tunnel. “There's obviously been very difficult moments. I do feel like I kind of barely made it in many ways. But today, I'm just me and grateful to be here and alive and taking one step at a time.”

 

 

Last year, Page spoke to Esquire about transitioning as a trans male in the public eye and how he wishes he could have experienced some of the highest points of his career, like the premiere of Oscar-winning film Juno, in the body he inhabits now.

 

“I remember the premiere of Juno at the Toronto International Film Festival,” he told the outlet. “I didn’t know the concept of, like, a stylist. I grew up working in Canada!  … So I said I wanted to wear a suit, and Fox Searchlight was basically like, ‘No, you need to wear a dress.’ And they took me in a big rush to one of those fancy stores on Bloor Street. They had me wear a dress, and . . . that was that. And then all the Juno press, all the photo shoots—Michael Cera was in slacks and sneakers. I look back at the photos, and I’m like . . .?”

 

“I wish I could go back and experience it now. As me.”

 


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