Nonsense Emmy awards we would add to the ceremony and who would win them
As we gear up for the Emmy Awards on Monday, September 12, we have to acknowledge that we, as a society, need to demand more from our award show specials. Specifically: the categories. Lead actors and actresses in drama series, outstanding comedy series, animated series, competition series … don’t get us wrong, we cannot wait to see what host Kenan Thompson has whipped up for the show, and who will win, but the categories could use a revamp and perhaps even a glitter ball.
If we were in charge of nipping and tucking the format, we’d make sure the true heroes of the last TV season were honoured: the sexy Bridgerton gifs, the Peloton from And Just Like That, and of course, everything about Only Murders in the Building.
Here’s our choice for Nonsense Emmy Awards that could take the Emmys to the next level of epic, binge-worthy content.
Worst show to watch for the plot (because there is no plot, only sex)
Bridgerton
Sex Ed
Alchemy of Souls
The Rings of Power
Our Flag Means Death
The Sandman
Our Winner: Bridgerton, and all the bee-stings that came with season 2!
Best Awards Show Moment
Dwayne The Rock Johnson gifts his People’s Choice Award to a Make-A-Wish Foundation fan
Doja Cat nearly misses her Billboard Music Award because she was peeing
“Did I miss anything?” host Amy Schumer jokes after the Will Smith-Chris Rock altercation at the Oscars
“I got you,” Lady Gaga whispers to Liza Minelli at the Oscars
“I’ve Switched Baristas!” Lady Gaga shades Caitlyn Jenner on the red carpet
Our Winner: Gotta be Lady Gaga and Liza Minelli. Our tiny hearts grew three sizes that day.
Best fictional murderer
The entire Squid Game (Squid Game)
Montrose (Lovecraft Country)
Big A (Pretty Little Liars)
Mr. Big's Peloton (And Just Like That)
Our Winner: Anything that takes out Mr. Big in the shock series opener for And Just Like That has definitely got our attention.
Most memed one-liner
“I do not have time for this, I do not have time for you!” (Inventing Anna)
“Heard about this BDE … I was just basically DTF.” (The Kardashians)
“Ew David!” (Schitt’s Creek)
Our Winner: Gotta be Inventing Anna, just because we have all wanted to say this to someone in our lives at one point or another. REAL TALK.
Best Canadian content in a limited series
Seth Rogan (Pam & Tommy)
Tristan Thompson (The Kardashians)
Alison Pill (Star Trek: Picard)
Every scene in Maid (shot entirely in BC!)
Our Winner: Seth Rogan (and props to him for producing the series about Pamela Anderson (who is also Canadian), but inexplicably letting this detail get by the research team (Montreal, Ontario?).
Outstanding Queer-semble (Like Outstanding Ensemble, but just fabulous)
A League Of Their Own.
Heartstopper
Our Flag Means Death
And Just Like That
Our Winner: A League Of Their Own. Turns out there is crying in baseball!
Outstanding Martin in a TV Show
Steve Martin (Only Murders in the Building)
Martin Short (Only Murders in the Buildinng)
Only Martins In The Building (Only Murders in the Building)
Our Winner: Wow, for the first time in history, we have a tie! We’ll give you one guess.
Best Guilty Pleasure Viewing (shows so cringe, ya gotta binge)
Bel-Air
Emily In Paris
Pam & Tommy
Star Trek: Picard
Our Winner: Pam & Tommy, just for that jaw-dropping scene where Pam seemingly talks directly to Tommy’s junk.
Best TV talent show judge
RuPaul Charles (RuPaul’s Drag Race)
Ken Jeong (The Masked Singer)
Kelly Clarkson (The Voice)
Our Winner: Ken Jeong. Gotta respect a judge with principles.
Best Worst Classic TV show intro… so bad it’s good
Three’s Company
Any theme written by the late, great Alan Thicke (he wrote the themes for Diff’rent Strokes, Facts of Life, and even Wheel of Fortune)
Eastenders
Family Matters
Martin
Our Winner: Family Matters. We will not be taking questions at this time.
