Which of these celeb couples will make it to cuffing season?

Prayer circle, everyone.
September 20, 2021 4:04 p.m. EST
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Listen: dating is hard. It might be harder for us normals, but with the way they're often on-again, off-again, and have a tendency to be generally short-lived, celebrity romances also seem to have plenty of twists and turns. Throw in a pandemic and a few lockdowns here and there, and love has never been more in the air with everyone itching for a cuddle.

And with this summer spelling a sort-of, kind-of end to lockdown, everyone's been smashing together like magnets. Which, of course, has gifted us countless bizarre and highly entertaining new matches. But it all begs the question: which ones will make it to cuffing season (and maybe even an altar?) and which ones will prove to be nothing more than summer flings? Let's discuss, shall we?

Zoe Kravitz & Channing Tatum

Why they could make it:

Here's the thing: she is one of the most stunning women in the universe (yes, the universe), and he is, at best, a himbo. A hilarious himbo we love! Both are somewhat fresh out of relationships: her from ex-husband Karl Glusman, and him from ex-girlfriend Jessie J, so we also know they both have eclectic tastes, so it’s really not a shocking match. Perhaps this is something of a palate cleanser or, more realistically, a pleasurable reprieve. Imagine if we all stayed with the one who made us feel more lust than love? It’d be a goddamn time. 

Why they won’t make it:

Mere paparazzi shots of the two are reeking with sexual tension and raw heat. In other words, of course they won’t make it! But that’s not the point. Long live flings and himbos and just pure fun.

Final verdict:

Can anyone deduce if these two might be in search of a third?

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez

Why they could make it:

These two have been star-crossed since they first dated – and said they were each other's first and true loves – back in 2002, but called off their engagement after the press proved too involved in the relationship. Such third wheels happen when your boyfriend strokes your ass on a yacht in your music video, but I digress! As the most glam, beautiful and successful couple this summer, they're also a true testament to romance and how it – sometimes – never dies. They were always meant to be together (or at least that's what us romantics would like to believe), and with numerous relationships and children having already been checked off their respective bucket lists, it seems like the easiest time to rekindle with no expectations.

Why they won’t make it:

Bronx and Boston energies are real ones, and could prove to be too chaotic for these two. And we may be two decades on, but they're still clowning for the press – god bless – and PDA-ing anywhere that will have them. Frankly, they also seem too good to be true.

Final verdict:

Bennifer is forever.

Rita Ora & Taika Waititi

Why they could make it:

Never has a couple looked more like they've just burst from a tussle in the sheets than this one (seriously, take a glance at any paparazzi shot). They're both a little weird, which can only spell chaotic joy. I mean, who can forget that time they were spotted mugging for the paps and pretending to be engaged in a threesome with friend Tessa Thompson? Frankly, the weirder, the probably more well-suited.

Why they won’t make it:

Opposites attract, but these two are an incredibly bizarre match, and while she's often in front of a camera, he's behind. Not sure that's a bad thing, though, as they both seem to enjoy attention and probably giving it.

Final verdict:

In the words of the great Tyra Banks, "we [are] all rooting for you!!!"

John Mulaney & Olivia Munn

Why they could make it:

There's a baby involved.

Why they won’t make it:

These two seemed to get together at an unusual time: John had suddenly split from long-time wife Annamarie Tendler, after seven years of marriage, and just a few months after he checked out of rehab (and completed his treatment) for alcohol and cocaine addiction. Days after announcing the separation, People reported that he and Olivia were dating. We don't have many other details about the pair, but she's been a long-time fan of his. Babies fix everything right?

Final verdict:

No comment.

Kat Dennings & Andrew W.K.

Why they could make it:

Never has a celebrity couple been so unabashedly in love for the world to see, with them baking cookies together, her doing his make-up, and him lusting for her all on her Instagram. But there's a sweet earnestness to these two, and it's nice to see Kat happy and in a kind of love that might make a Disney princess jealous. And hair (on both their parts) that would probably make all the princesses and princes jealous.

Why they won’t make it:

Based on the fact that we don't know either of these two personally, have never met them, or could even tell you their favourite colours (actually, a quick google search tells me hers is red and pink), one might assume there could be a little bit of love bombing going on here, which never bodes well.

Final verdict:

Just get married already, kids, Vegas is calling. (But get that prenup.)

Renée Zellweger & Ant Anstead

Why they could make it:

Well, there's been very minimal publicity for these two on account of how remarkably boring they are together (anyone who can make Renée Zellweger boring needs to reassess). But the British TV host did recently say they love to weld together, and that is very literally how one keeps things together, so, you know.

Why they won’t make it:

The pair got together less than a year after his split from ex Christina Haack, but that's centuries in celebrity years. Maybe, when it comes to celeb couples, blandness is healthy?

Final verdict:

Who cares?

Chrishell Stause & Jason Oppenheim

Why they could make it:

First of all, what a thrilling union, and where is the next season of Selling Sunset when we so desperately need it? These two seemed to get together in the kind of organic way the rest of us tend to, having known each other and worked together for years, all the while in their own relationships. It seems they eventually grew a love for each other and especially after the heartbreak she's been through (ahem, that time Justin Hartley allegedly cheated on her), what could be more romantic? Friends to lovers is the way to go.

Why they won’t make it:

Reality television never bodes well for real-life relationships, but these two have always seemed to have good heads on their shoulders. And while he is an inch taller than her (which makes this quite a find for the guy, so sorry to short men, we love you), this probably makes it a battle for her to go anywhere above a three-inch heel. A hell of a sacrifice.

Final verdict:

Forget a dream home, we've got a dream match right here. Who knew they had the keys in their hands all along? (Again, so sorry.)

Drake & Johanna Leia

Why they could make it:

As the story goes, these two fell for each other while Drake mentored her son Amari Bailey – who is heading to UCLA to play basketball in 2022 – on how to handle fame (the money we'd pay to be flies on the wall for that conversation), and has been attending several of his high-school games (whilst seated next to her). They made headlines earlier this summer when a helicopter spotted them on a dream date at Dodger Stadium, having dinner by the first base line. That's what we call a grand gesture.

Why they won’t make it:

I mean, what do we really know about these two? While he might like to brand himself as a hopeless loverboy, he seems to be more of the f--kboy type. And other than the fact that she's an influencer with a potentially soon-to-be mildly famous son, there's little to read in the tea leaves.

Final verdict:

Nah.

Millie Bobby Brown & Jake Bongiovi

Why they could make it:

Not only are these two age-appropriate (she's 17, he's 19), but they seem to be youthfully loved up, having been spotted on leisurely walks through New York City and Instagram-official dinner dates, with drives through the country. Their monikers for each other? "BFF." Ah, to be young and in love.

Why they won’t make it:

They're babies! And as the son of Jon Bon Jovi, it's very likely Jake has some lothario in his genes. Protect your heart, Millie.

Final verdict:

Sure, why not.

Lena Dunham & Luis Felber

Why they could make it:

Lena Dunham has been through a lot in recent years (a hysterectomy, a public break-up), but she's also been keeping busy, working on HBO's Generation, and the upcoming films Sharp Stick and Catherine, Called Birdy. So it's nice to see she's had time to find love in between with this musician. They only recently went Instagram official, with her quoting The Zombies: "The warmth of your love is like the warmth of the sun." Phew. Girl is deep in it. She also recently tweeted that he makes her pasta, watches BoJack Horseman with her, walks the dog and will make up songs about her. It's too much!

Why they won’t make it:

Sure, he's on her IG but a little reciprocation would be nice.

Final verdict:

Prayer circle, everyone!

BEFORE YOU GO: Patrick Dempsey accused of "terrorizing" 'Grey's'

[video_embed id='2283687']BEFORE YOU GO: Patrick Dempsey accused of "terrorizing" 'Grey's' [/video_embed]